In Memoriam

Well, it has been a whole whopping eight years! I cannot believe how the time has passed. It feels like time has flown by and also drug its claws. Life has changed drastically for me and my family since that time. (To all readers: this is not meant to be a pity party for me, but a time of reflection and pondering. I find it therapeutic to get things out. I tend to trap them inside. Please bear with me. By all means, don't feel obligated to read this if you don't want to!)

I was a sophomore in high school, when my mom got sick. Doctors could not figure out what was wrong with her. They thought that she had an inner ear infection because she felt so dizzy. After a week of treatment for the infection, no change. Mom was hospitalized. The doctors at the hospital ran every test imaginable to try and find the cause of her symptoms. (I can't remember them at this point in time). Test after test came back with negative results. What was causing all this?

In the meantime, I was enjoying high school life. I had just finished my season of powder puff (girl's football). I had finally made some good friends that actually had morals! Life seemed to be great. I didn't feel too concerned about Mom's condition because nobody thought it was anything too serious.

I had a few weeks off of school for "spud harvest." For those of you that don't know what spud harvest is, it is when all the farmers in eastern Idaho harvest their potatoes. Due to the number of students involved in this process, everyone in our area got out of school. It was a vacation for those of us that didn't work in the harvest. I looked forward to it every year!

Due to spud harvest, I had some spare time and I decided to go spend several hours with Mom in the hospital. I went up there and we watched some Shirley Temple, talked, and just enjoyed the time together. Mom kept saying, "I love you, Tara. I love you, Tara." I remember feeling like my relationship with Mom was great! I felt really good about that. She had been my best friend through my years of friend struggles and such. I left the room that day not knowing that I would never see my mother in this life again.

The next morning we were told to hurry and come up to the hospital because something was wrong with Mom. I figured that they had found out what was wrong with her and it was serious. I remember walking up the hospital and thinking, what if Mom will only live till the end of spud harvest? Then I thought, no that wouldn't happen. People I know don't die. That happens to "other" people, but not to me.

I got to the hospital the same time as my sister Lottie. As we walked in the hospital doors my mom's good friend who was also a nurse was sobbing. She escorted us to mom's room. We kept asking her if everything was okay, and she kept saying "no, it is not okay."

We finally navigated the halls and got to mom's room. We walked in and my Dad was standing by Mom's bed. We asked what was wrong... she had died and they could not revive her. Her cause of death was later determined as "unknown."

Once more family got to the room, we all knelt down and had a family prayer together. I remember feeling mom there with us. We all felt a great peace come over us. In fact, that peace and spirit followed us to our home and stayed there for quite some time.

I write all this because I look back and I realize how much this single event has impacted my life. I went from a nuclear home and family, to a single parent family, to a blended and remarried family. Each and every one has brought new challenges and experiences. Some good and some bad. They have brought with them deep pain and sorrow, and also great joy and love. These experiences have done nothing but brought me closer to my Heavenly Father. I can't say that I would as firm in the faith as I am today without them. When all hope seemed lost and like I couldn't go on any longer, there was always a ray of hope and the encircling arms of my Savior that carried me on. There were many wonderful people that carried me through the darkest times also. They were answers to my prayers. I feel so grateful for the knowledge that I have that families are eternal, and can be together forever! What joy this has been for me. I don't understand why bad things sometimes happen to good people, but I do know that it is all about perspective. Are the "bad" things really all that bad? If it takes things like this to get us to deeply know and love the Savior, is it really "bad" in the long run?

I have to say that the sweetest gifts my Heavenly Father has given me are... 1. the atonement. I am happy that I can fix the mistakes that I make all the time, and 2. my sweet husband Tim. I am sure he had no idea what he was getting himself into when he married me. I am deeply grateful for him! I definitely got the better end of the deal! Also, my sweet daughter Audrey. She is a ray of light and has brought such joy to our family.

Trials are meant to be...well, trials. Not fun or easy. But they help us grow. Afterall, this life is about growing and trying to become better people.